What is gentle parenting? Plus, how to know if it’s right for you
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
You've probably heard some buzz around gentle parenting, but may wonder if it's right for you. Dive into the pros and cons of this technique and 8 tips to do it effectively.
No hyperbole, parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. For those of you who are parents, you know what it’s like. You love your children more than anything, but on top of work and your personal responsibilities, you’re keeping track of a million doctor’s appointments and homework deadlines, regularly schlepping to clubs and activities, and fielding last-minute dress-as-a-Roman-tomorrow messages from school. (Why are there so many spirit days?)
You might feel overwhelmed by the number of choices you have to make, and weighed down by the responsibility of bringing up a child. Maybe you turn to advice from parenting books, or online — but the more you read, the more parenting theories you come across, so it’s hard to know which way to turn.
If you’ve spent any time on the internet over the past few years, you’ve probably come across the term, “gentle parenting.” A parenting philosophy rooted in empathy and respect, some people swear by it, while others swear it’s the reason so many kids are spoiled. Either way, it’s worth unpacking.
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is a parenting style that focuses on raising children with empathy and respect. You treat your child as a whole person, acknowledging their feelings and individuality, and guiding their behavior with kindness and patience — rather than expecting unquestioning obedience.
Unlike many parenting techniques, gentle parenting doesn’t rely on punishments or rewards to get children to behave a certain way. Instead, you communicate openly with your children, so they learn to think critically about their choices.
Gentle parenting is built on four principles:
Empathy: Trying to see things from your child’s perspective and validating their feelings, even when their behavior isn’t ideal
Respect: Treating children as capable individuals whose opinions and emotions are just as important as an adult’s
Boundaries: Setting clear and consistent limits — but doing so in a way that’s kind rather than harsh
Understanding: Recognizing that children are still learning how to manage their emotions and behaviors, and viewing mistakes as opportunities for growth
So what does this look like IRL? Say your child is upset because you refused to buy them a toy they wanted. Instead of saying, “Stop crying — it’s just a toy,” a gentle parent might respond with, “I can see you’re upset because you really wanted that toy. It’s hard to hear no, isn’t it? Let’s talk about it.”
Of course, gentle parenting doesn’t mean letting your kids do whatever they want or avoid discipline altogether. Think about road safety: You might need to stop your child from running across the street without looking, but once they’re safe, you can empathize with their excitement at spotting a friend they wanted to say hi to, explain the dangers of the road, and work together to come up with a safer plan next time.
In other words, you don’t give in on the boundary you set, but you do listen to their feelings and respond kindly. It’s about guiding your child through challenging situations with compassion, while still holding them accountable.
Pros and cons of gentle parenting
Gentle parenting is often praised for encouraging close parent-child relationships and emotional growth, but it can also come with some hurdles.
Let’s take a closer look at the pros and cons so you can decide if it might work for your family.
Pros of gentle parenting
Nurtures emotional intelligence: One of the biggest benefits of gentle parenting is that it teaches kids to understand and express their feelings. When children feel heard and validated, they can learn how to handle emotions like frustration, sadness, or anger in healthy ways. This can set them up for stronger relationships, better communication skills, and equip them to take care of their own mental health later in life.
Builds trust and connection: Gentle parenting can help create a safe space where kids feel comfortable coming to you with their problems, mistakes, or even those pesky big emotions. When they know you won’t instantly punish them or judge them, you’re better able to build trust and strengthen your bond.
Encourages independence: Because gentle parenting focuses on problem-solving and understanding, kids can learn how to think through situations and make better choices on their own. This can help them become more self-reliant and confident in their abilities.
Reduces power struggles: Instead of relying on strict rules or punishment, gentle parenting uses positive discipline to guide kids toward better behavior. This can help reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and conflicts, making everyday routines feel smoother and more enjoyable. It can also help reduce stress for you as a parent — and we all need a bit of that, right?
Cons of gentle parenting
Time-intensive: Gentle parenting may require more time and patience than more traditional methods. Explaining rules, boundaries, validating emotions, and working through solutions can take longer in the moment than a quick “because I said so” or a timeout. Especially for parents with hectic schedules, this can feel like a lot.
Emotionally demanding: Staying calm and empathetic isn’t always easy, especially when you’re feeling tired or stressed yourself. Gentle parenting can ask a lot of parents emotionally, which can add to the tiredness that comes with the territory of being a parent.
Results take time: Changes in your child’s behavior might not happen right away and this can be frustrating if a child is having problems with their behavior. Gentle parenting focuses on long-term growth, so it might be a while before you see the pay-off for your effort.
Social judgment: Not everyone will understand or agree with gentle parenting. You might face criticism from friends, family, or even strangers, who see it as being too lenient. Standing firm in your parenting choices can be tough, especially when curious family members might ask a few too many questions about why you’re doing this.
Is gentle parenting right for you?
Choosing any parenting style can feel like a big decision, and your curiosity about this new approach is probably mixed with a little hesitation — after all, no single parenting style works for everyone. Plus, this approach might feel quite a bit different from how you were raised, or how you’ve been parenting so far.
Gentle parenting has a strong focus on connection, communication, and emotional growth, and one of the great things about gentle parenting is that it’s flexible. You don’t have to follow it perfectly — or even all the time. If certain parts of the approach resonate with you—like validating emotions or using positive discipline—you can start with those.
It’s also worth noting that you can combine elements of gentle parenting with other methods. You might use gentle communication most of the time but rely on firmer boundaries when safety is a concern. What matters most is that your parenting style supports your child’s growth while working for you and your family’s unique needs.
8 tips to successful gentle parenting
If you’re going to go for it with gentle parenting, start small and focus on one or two of these tips at a time to ease in. Over time, these practices will begin to feel more natural, and you’ll see benefits unfold. Don’t forget that you’re doing an amazing job simply by showing up and trying your best.
1. Start with yourself
Children often mirror our emotions, so staying calm and composed is a big part of gentle parenting. It can be hard, but when your child is upset or acting out, take a deep breath before responding. This gives you a moment to reset and approach the situation with empathy. For more help staying calm, try our ten ways to calm your mind in stressful situations.
Say your child’s yelling or crying. Instead of reacting with frustration, say to yourself, “They’re having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.” Making this small mental shift can help you stay grounded and model the behavior you want your child to learn.
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2. Be consistent with your boundaries
Gentle parenting isn’t about letting kids do whatever they want. Clear and consistent boundaries help children feel secure and understand what’s expected of them. But enforcing these boundaries can be done with patience, love, and understanding.
If your child refuses to stop playing when it’s bedtime, you could say, “I know it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having so much fun. It’s time for bed now, though, so let’s pick one toy to bring with you.” By acknowledging their feelings while sticking to the boundary, you’re balancing compassion and structure.
3. Talk openly with your child
Kids are more likely to follow rules or cooperate when they understand the reasons behind them. Instead of giving commands like, “Don’t do that!” explain the “why” behind your expectations.
Instead of saying, “Don’t touch the stove,” try, “The stove is very hot, and it can hurt you if you touch it. Let’s stay safe by keeping our hands away.” This approach helps your child learn cause and effect while feeling respected.
Of course, when safety is involved, you might react instinctively with an instruction — and that’s okay! You can still follow it up with an explanation once your child’s out of harm’s way.
4. Validate your child’s feelings
Children need to feel heard and understood, even when their emotions seem dramatic or unreasonable. Take time to acknowledge their feelings without judgment.
Say your child gets upset because they can’t have ice cream before dinner. You might say, “I see you’re really disappointed because you wanted ice cream. I get it — ice cream is so yummy! Let’s have some after we eat dinner, okay?” This shows empathy while reinforcing a boundary.
5. Encourage your child to help problem-solve
When there’s an issue, instead of always stepping in to fix things, involve your child in finding solutions. This helps them build critical thinking skills and learn how to handle challenges independently.
If siblings are arguing over a toy, you might say, “It seems like you both want to play with the same toy. How can we solve this so everyone feels happy?” Giving them a chance to come up with solutions teaches cooperation and compromise, and helps them feel empowered in future issues.
6. Prioritize building your connection together
Make time to connect with your child. Try reading a book together, playing their favorite game, or simply sitting down to talk. These special moments build trust and make it easier to navigate tough situations when they arise.
A strong connection creates a foundation of mutual respect and understanding, which can mean that your child will be more likely to calm down during a tantrum because they know you’re on their side and willing to listen.
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7. Use positive reinforcement to nurture them
Instead of focusing on what your child does wrong, make a habit of noticing and celebrating what they do well. This reinforces positive behavior and boosts their confidence.
So if your child shares a toy with a sibling, say, “I really liked how you shared with your brother just now. That was very kind of you!” Simple acknowledgments like this can go a long way in shaping their behavior.
8. Be patient with the process
Change doesn’t happen overnight. Your child is still learning, and so are you. It’s normal to face setbacks or have times where things don’t go as planned — for both of you! The important thing is to keep trying and focus on progress over perfection.
If a moment doesn’t go the way you hoped, reflect on what you can learn from it and try again next time. You can even chat it through with your child, so they can see that you’re doing your best and learning, too. Owning your learnings can actually help you build a stronger bond. And if your patience needs a boost, check out our seven ways to be more patient.
Gentle parenting FAQs
How does gentle parenting address discipline?
Discipline in gentle parenting is all about teaching, not punishing. Instead of focusing on consequences like timeouts or taking things away, you’re aiming to guide your children toward better behavior by helping them understand the impact of their actions and learn how to make better choices. Gentle parenting encourages problem-solving and natural consequences.
So, if a child spills their drink because they were playing with their cup, you might say, “Oops! When we play with our cup, the milk can spill. Let’s clean it up together, and next time, we’ll keep the cup on the table and play with something else.” Taking this approach, rather than scolding them, puts the focus on responsibility, rather than trying to make them feel ashamed. It shows the child how their actions connect to outcomes.
Gentle parenting still enforces boundaries but does so with kindness and respect. With consistency, this helps kids develop self-discipline, as they learn the “why” behind expectations and how to regulate their behavior in a positive way.
Can gentle parenting be effective with older children or teenagers?
Gentle parenting can work well with older kids and teenagers, even if you’re just starting to use it. While the approach might look slightly different for older children, the core principles of empathy, respect, and communication still apply.
For teenagers, you’ll likely focus on collaboration and open dialogue. Teens are at a stage where they’re seeking independence and autonomy, so involving them in decisions and discussions can help build trust and mutual respect. Say they want to stay out later than their curfew, you might respond with, “Let’s talk about this. I understand you want more freedom, but your curfew is 10 pm. Why don’t you make plans with your friends for Sunday afternoon, and I’ll drive you where you need to go.”
While boundaries are still important, the way you enforce them shifts to reflect their growing maturity. This approach can help teens feel valued and respected, strengthening your relationship even during challenging moments.
What are some practical strategies to implement gentle parenting?
One of the most useful strategies in gentle parenting is to focus on empathy by validating your child’s emotions. When your child is upset, take a moment to acknowledge their feelings before addressing the behavior. So you could say, “I see you’re feeling frustrated because it’s time to leave the park. It’s hard to stop having fun, isn’t it?” This shows them that their emotions are valid, even if their actions need guidance.
Another practical tip is to model the behavior you want to see. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say, so staying calm, patient, and respectful sets the tone for how they’ll handle challenges. If you make a mistake (and you will — it’s part of parenting!), use it as a teaching moment by apologizing and explaining what you’ll try to do differently next time.
Lastly, it’s important to be consistent. So enforce rules with kindness and clarity. Say your child crosses a boundary: testing boundaries is a normal part of growing up, so calmly remind them of the rule and help them understand why it exists. These small, consistent actions add up over time and help your child develop emotional and behavioral skills.
How does gentle parenting handle situations where safety is a concern?
When safety is at risk, gentle parenting still means you take immediate action to protect your child or others. But you can still do this while being calm and respectful. So if your toddler reaches for a hot stove, you might firmly say, “No, that’s dangerous,” and move their hand away. Safety comes first.
After the immediate danger has passed, gentle parenting encourages you to explain the situation in a way the child can understand. You might say, “The stove is very hot, and it can burn you. That’s why we don’t touch it.” This approach helps the child connect the boundary to the reason behind it, helping them get a true understanding of safety.
For ongoing safety rules, keep repeating simple explanations, especially with younger children who need reminders — you’ll gradually build their awareness about the importance of staying safe.
What’s the difference between gentle parenting vs. authoritative parenting?
Gentle parenting is often considered a form of authoritative parenting, but it takes a slightly different approach in certain areas.
Authoritative parenting is a style that’s been well-established for a long time. It balances high expectations with warmth and responsiveness. Gentle parenting shares these principles, but it places an even greater emphasis on emotional connection, and guiding behavior through understanding. So if you’re drawn to the warmth and structure of authoritative parenting but want to focus more on empathy and communication, gentle parenting could be the right fit for your family.
Here’s how they compare:
Both styles set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently. However, gentle parenting tends to use softer language and puts even more focus on empathy when setting or enforcing those boundaries. So instead of saying, “You need to finish your homework before watching TV,” a gentle parent might say, “I see you’re feeling tired, so let’s finish your homework together so you can relax with your favorite show afterward.” Both approaches encourage the child to take responsible actions, but gentle parenting adds more emotional validation.
Authoritative parenting often includes a mix of natural and imposed consequences (e.g., loss of privileges when a child breaks rules), while gentle parenting prefers to rely on natural consequences and guiding the child to understand the impact their actions have.
Gentle parenting leans more heavily on collaboration. While authoritative parents involve their kids in decision-making to a degree, gentle parents may go a step further, encouraging kids to take part in setting rules or finding solutions to conflicts. This collaborative approach helps kids feel a stronger sense of ownership over their choices, which means they might be more likely to follow rules and help resolve disagreements.
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