How to mindfully respond to passive-aggressive behavior
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Passive-aggressive behavior can be annoying — but how you respond can shut it down. Learn what to do (and how to be less passive-aggressive yourself).
We've all had those moments when someone says or does something that just feels... off. Maybe they gave you a compliment or an offer of help that didn’t quite sound genuine. Or perhaps their words sounded friendly on the surface, but their attitude seemed less-than-friendly. You can probably sense something’s wrong, but the person isn’t coming right out and saying it.
This act of expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than being upfront is known as passive-aggression. Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can be challenging because it’s hard to address something that isn’t being said outright. It can create a cycle of tension and miscommunication, leaving you doubting yourself, and feeling frustrated or confused.
Fortunately, once you recognize passive-aggressive behavior, you can find ways to communicate better and strengthen your relationships, without letting unspoken feelings cause unnecessary stress.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone has negative thoughts or feelings—like anger, frustration, or resentment—but instead of expressing them directly, they act out in subtle ways. This can include giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic comments, or doing things that seem helpful on the surface but are actually meant to cause frustration. It’s a way of avoiding direct confrontation while still showing that something’s bothering them.
Instead of saying, “I’m upset because you didn’t ask for my opinion,” a passive-aggressive person might respond with, “Oh, it’s fine, do whatever you want,” in a tone that clearly suggests things aren’t fine. They want the other person to pick up on the fact that they’re unhappy without having to say it outright. While the behavior might seem small or subtle, it can build up over time — and so can the tension it creates.
People who act passive-aggressively might not even realize they’re doing it. They may be trying to avoid conflict or may not feel comfortable being direct. But the outcome is the same on the relationships it impacts — frustration, confusion, and possibly resentment for everyone involved.
Passive aggression often has deeper reasons behind it, from the inability to communicate effectively or potentially avoiding confrontation. Some of the most common causes are:
Fear of confrontation
Lack of communication skills
Trying to keep the peace while still expressing frustration
Unresolved emotions like anger or resentment
7 examples of passive-aggressive behavior
There are a few common ways that passive-aggressive behavior shows up in our relationships. When you start to recognize which form someone is using, you may get a little insight into what’s actually going on with them. Here are seven examples of how this subtle aggression usually shows up.
1. Backhanded compliments: This is when something sounds like praise but is actually meant to insult. Someone might say, “It’s so great you don’t care what people think about your clothes” or “I didn’t expect you to do this well on the project.” These comments carry an underlying message that might reveal the person’s true meaning.
2. Silent treatment: Going completely silent may be used as a way to “punish” the other person by making them guess what they did wrong.
3. Procrastination or intentional mistakes: Delaying or doing something poorly may be a way to dodge responsibility while avoiding an outright refusal.
4. Sarcasm disguised as humor: Saying something like, “Oh, you always have the best ideas” in a sarcastic tone can lead to confusion and tension, and may indicate a deeper feeling or resentment that they don’t feel comfortable expressing outright.
5. Withholding affection or praise: In relationships, this can happen when a partner is upset but struggles to admit it, so they stop showing positive emotions or actions, like words of affirmation or physical touch, as a way to express their frustration.
6. Disguised criticism: Someone might say, “It’s fine, do whatever you want,” when they really mean they don’t agree with your choice.
7. Playing the victim: Acting as though they’re the victim in a situation—even if they’ve done something wrong—is often done to avoid taking responsibility or to make the other person feel guilty for bringing up an issue.
How to respond to passive-aggressive behavior in relationships
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior can be tricky, and the best approach will depend on the type of relationship you’re dealing with. But in all situations, the key to handling passive-aggressive behavior is through open, caring communication. By recognizing the behavior, responding with empathy, and encouraging more direct conversations, you can create healthier dynamics at home, with friends, or at work.
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior from a partner
When passive-aggressive behavior shows up in romantic relationships, it can be especially hurtful because the emotional connection is so personal. Try to handle the situation with care, since the emotional stakes can be high.
Acknowledge the behavior gently: Start by pointing out what you’ve noticed without making your partner feel attacked. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been quieter than usual lately. Is something on your mind?” This can open up a conversation without putting them on the defensive.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings: Focus on how the behavior is affecting you rather than blaming your partner. For example, “I feel confused when you say everything’s fine but seem upset. Can we talk about what’s really going on?”
Encourage open communication: Let your partner know that you’re here to listen. Sometimes passive-aggression stems from fear of conflict, so reassure them that you want to resolve issues together. Say something like, “I want us to be able to talk about things, even if it’s uncomfortable,” to help create a safe space for discussion.
Be patient but firm about boundaries: If the behavior continues, set boundaries. Try, “I understand that you’re upset, but I’d appreciate it if we could talk about it directly rather than using sarcasm.” Being patient is important, but so is being clear about what kind of communication is healthy for the relationship.
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior at work
In the workplace, passive-aggressive behavior can create tension and affect teamwork. Address it in a tactful, professional manner to help maintain a positive work environment without escalating the situation.
Keep it professional: Start by addressing the behavior in a neutral, non-emotional way. For example, if a coworker consistently delays tasks or avoids working together, you could say, “I noticed that the project hasn’t been completed yet. Can we discuss the timeline?” Keep the focus on the work rather than personal feelings to help keep the conversation productive.
Focus on solutions, not blame: If a colleague uses passive-aggressive behavior, shift the conversation toward problem-solving. Try, “Let’s figure out how we can communicate more effectively so we don’t run into this problem again.”
Set clear expectations: If you’re in a managerial role, set clear expectations around communication and accountability. You might say, “I appreciate your input, but if there’s an issue, let’s address it directly rather than avoiding it.”
Involve HR if necessary: If passive-aggressive behavior becomes a pattern and affects your work environment or team dynamics, bring in a manager or HR to help mediate the situation.
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior from your friends
Passive-aggression in friendships can cause misunderstandings and tension, especially when it’s subtle. With friends, try to balance being honest with preserving the relationship.
Address it in a caring way: Approach your friend with kindness and concern. Say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you seem a little distant lately. Did I do something that upset you?” This lets your friend know you care and you’re open to hearing what’s going on.
Express your feelings openly: If their behavior’s bothering you, be direct but gentle. You might say, “It feels like there’s something off between us, and I want to talk about it. I value our friendship and don’t want to leave things unsaid.”
Reinforce positive communication: Encourage your friend to be open with their feelings, too. Try, “I’d prefer if we could be honest with each other when something is bothering us, instead of letting it build up.”
Give them space if needed: Sometimes, your friend might need a little time to process their feelings. Be patient, and let them know you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk.
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior from your parents
Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior from parents can be tough, especially if the dynamic has been that way for a long time. But, it’s possible to break the cycle by gently encouraging more direct communication.
Acknowledge their feelings respectfully: Address the issue with respect and understanding. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been making some comments lately that seem like you’re upset with me. Can we talk about what’s bothering you?”
Set boundaries while remaining respectful: Parents may not always realize how their behavior affects you, so set boundaries without being disrespectful. You might try, “I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about things directly rather than through hints or sarcasm. It helps me understand your concerns better.”
Stay calm and avoid being defensive: Parents may be used to a certain way of communicating, and it might take time for them to adjust. Try to avoid getting defensive — even if they respond with more passive-aggressive behavior.
Be patient and give them time: It may take a few conversations to change the dynamic, so don’t expect immediate results. Encourage openness and give them time to adjust to this new way of communicating.
Responding to passive-aggressive behavior from your children
When children display passive-aggressive behavior, it’s often because they don’t yet have the tools to express their emotions directly. Helping them learn how to communicate openly can improve both your relationship and their emotional development.
Help them name their feelings: Often, kids act out passive-aggressively because they don’t know how to express what they’re feeling. Try to guide them by saying, “It seems like you’re upset about something. Do you want to talk about it?” This can help them recognize their emotions and encourage them to speak up, which will ultimately help them feel better.
Be patient and model direct communication: Children learn by example, so show them what healthy communication looks like. When you’re upset, express it calmly and clearly, so they see how to handle their own feelings. You might say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t listen, and I’d like us to work on that together.”
Encourage honesty without punishment: Let your child know it’s okay to express their feelings, even the negative ones. Say, “It’s okay to tell me if you’re mad, but let’s talk about it instead of using sarcasm or ignoring each other.”
Teach problem-solving skills: Help your child understand they can address problems directly. If they’re acting passive-aggressively, you might say, “Next time, instead of saying ‘I don’t care,’ let’s talk about what’s really bothering you, so we can find a solution together.”
5 tips to help you be less passive-aggressive
If you’ve ever caught yourself being passive-aggressive, don’t be too hard on yourself. Most of us have done it at one point or another, because sometimes it feels easier to hint at your frustration instead of directly saying what’s on your mind. The good news is, with a little self-awareness and practice, you can start to break the habit of passive-aggressive behavior and learn healthier ways to express your feelings more openly.
1. Recognize your emotions before they build up
One of the main reasons people act passive-aggressively is because they don’t express their feelings until they’re too frustrated to communicate clearly. Instead of waiting for things to reach a boiling point, check in with your emotions more regularly. Ask yourself, “Am I feeling annoyed, upset, or stressed about something?” If you catch those feelings early, you can address them directly before they turn into passive-aggressive actions.
Try these 10 mindfulness questions to check in with yourself on a regular basis.
💙 Let this short Emotions Check-in practice help you reflect on how you’re feeling each day.
2. Practice direct communication in small steps
Being direct can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to keeping your feelings to yourself. But like any skill, you can get better at it with practice.
Start small by communicating your needs in low-stakes situations. Instead of saying, “It’s fine,” when someone chooses a restaurant you don’t like, try saying, “Actually, I’d prefer to eat somewhere else tonight. Can we pick a place where they have more options?” Over time, these small moments of honest communication can make it easier to be direct in bigger, more emotional situations.
Try these seven tips on how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in your relationships during this meditation with Tamara Levitt.
3. Use “I” statements to express how you feel
When you’re upset, it’s easy to point fingers or make indirect comments. Instead, use “I” statements to help you communicate your feelings without sounding accusatory. Switch saying, “You never listen to me,” which might come off as blameful, to something like “I feel unheard when I’m talking, and I’d really appreciate your attention.”
This approach helps keep the focus on your feelings, rather than making the other person feel like they’re under attack for their actions. It can open up space for a more productive, understanding conversation.
💙 Try the Labeling Emotions practice for extra support in expressing yourself.
4. Learn to say no (and mean it)
A lot of passive-aggressive behavior comes from feeling resentful after agreeing to things you don’t really want to do. Try to be more comfortable with setting boundaries. It’s okay to say no! Whether it’s to do extra tasks at work, social invitations, or requests from family members, saying no kindly and clearly can help prevent you feeling resentful later (here are 30 ways to do it).
So, instead of agreeing to stay late at work and then dragging your feet on a project, say, “I’m not able to stay late today, but I can help tomorrow.”
💙 Learn how to Make Clearer Requests in support of your boundaries with help from the Daily Jay.
5. Seek support if it’s hard to break the habit
If passive-aggressive behavior has been part of your communication style for a long time, it can be tough to change. So if you find yourself struggling to be direct or getting stuck in old patterns, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through the underlying feelings that might be contributing to passive-aggression, such as fear of confrontation or low self-esteem. With the right support, you can learn new ways to handle your emotions and communicate in a healthier, more straightforward way.
Check out these seven tips on how to ask for help when you need it.
💙 Learn how to Help Others Help You in this guided exercise led by Jay Shetty.
Passive aggressive examples FAQs
How does passive-aggressive behavior affect relationships?
Using passive-aggressive behavior instead of talking about feelings directly can harm relationships by creating misunderstandings, confusion and frustration. That’s because one person feels their needs are unmet, while the other feels hurt and guilty.
This lack of open communication can cause emotional distance, preventing conflicts from being resolved and increasing tension. Addressing passive-aggressive behavior early can help rebuild trust and avoid long-term damage.
Can passive-aggressive behavior be a sign of a deeper emotional issue?
Passive-aggressive behavior can indicate underlying emotional issues, often stemming from difficulty expressing feelings or fear of confrontation. This may be linked to past experiences that taught someone to avoid direct communication due to the risk of conflict. Factors like fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and unresolved anger can also play a role.
If you or someone you know exhibits frequent passive-aggressive behavior, it may be helpful to explore these deeper emotions with a therapist or counselor to help develop healthier communication.
What are the long-term effects of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace?
Passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace can lead to a toxic environment, affecting team dynamics and productivity.
It often begins with small actions, like missed deadlines or sarcasm, and can escalate to misunderstandings and resentment. Over time, this can erode trust and lower morale, creating anxiety among coworkers and making teamwork harder.
If unaddressed, it can impact job performance and career advancement, so it’s important to get help early — chat with supervisors or HR for support.
How can I improve my communication skills to avoid passive aggression?
Using a few key techniques can help you improve your communication skills to help avoid passive-aggressive behavior.
Start by recognizing your emotions early, and practice expressing them constructively.
Use "I" statements to share your feelings without blaming others.
Set healthy boundaries to prevent resentment (here are eight tips to help).
Give yourself time to practice your new communication methods.
Consider seeking help from a therapist or coach to develop your skills.
Are there specific meditation techniques for reducing passive-aggressive tendencies?
Mindfulness and meditation can be incredibly helpful for reducing passive-aggressive tendencies.
Mindfulness meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help you stay present with your thoughts and emotions, which can help you become aware of feelings like frustration before they escalate into passive-aggressive behavior. This can help you maintain calmness and respond thoughtfully in difficult situations.
Loving-kindness meditation: Also called Metta meditation, loving-kindness meditation focuses on cultivating compassion and kindness toward yourself and others. Loving-kindness can help soften feelings of resentment or frustration that might lead to passive-aggression. By developing a mindset of compassion, you may find it easier to express your emotions directly and with empathy, rather than holding onto them and letting them come out indirectly.
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